AIM conversation dated nov 30, 2002

8 months ago  Notes (1)

Anonymous asked: you : murakami + bukowski

pssssshhhhhhaaaawrrrrrrr

8 months ago  Notes (1)

staying up late with a pencil.

i remember being young
and letting eraser shavings hit the ground.
i remember drawing on paper.
getting lost.
i remember my eyes glazed over.

i look down on the ground.
i haven’t used an eraser in what seems like years.
i remember being young.
i write down a note
to sweep the floor tomorrow. 

9 months ago  Notes (13)

almost.

if i could control my heartrate,
it would be at 90 bpm.
that seems higher than average.

to be in a constant state of anxiety.

to feel what it is like to be a part of a group who collectively feels like they don’t know what’s going on but that it is ok to not know what is going on and instead blunders forward not knowing much of anything.

if i could control my heart rate i might stop it for a few minutes then start it again.

almost a constant state of nervousness.

9 months ago  Notes (4)

The problem with elevation.

I woke up for the first time not wanting to fall back asleep.
The pain in my arm is dwindling.
I woke up without an alarm.

At the end of the weekend I just want to shout expletives towards the sky while smiling and eating summer fruits and contemplating my existence.

Seeing your face in my eyes.
Seeing my face in your eyes.
Singing with the radio.

I woke up for the first time with a goal.

At the end of the day I want the next day to arrive quickly, knowing that only brings me closer to something dark, but also to a metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel, in some in-explicative way.

I woke up feeling your skin in my hand.

10 months ago  Notes (4)

on dealing with existence.

i have difficultly discerning my feelings.

i want to lie in bed all day.

i have a feeling in my right arm.

i am not as worried as i feel like i should be.
no one is as worried as i feel they should be.
all worry is inexplicable.
it is unnecessary.

so many things are out of our control.
so many things are in our control.

i want to feel a certain sadness.

i want to feel every possible variation of joy.

i want to live for an extended period of time.

i do not want to live in space.
space conjures fear.
warranted fear of existence.

i want to sleep soundly tonight.

i want to wake up relaxed and prepared.

i want to enjoy.

11 months ago  Notes (4)

oh god, up on a roof

i sat on a roof.
titled my head back.
viewed the world upside down.
life seemed empty.
like i could fall off of the earth.
i got up and wanted to vomit.
could be the movement.

i could die right now.

there’s no explanation.

11 months ago  Notes (2)

you were in my dreams last night.

this may have been the second time this has happened.
i don’t recall what the dream was about.
something romantic perhaps.
a new feeling inside.

i woke up and walked around brooklyn for about an hour.
i took the g train and regretted not bringing headphones.

i sat by the east river and thought about how lost i felt.

i begin to feel worthless.

12 months ago  Notes (1)

untitled 4

As I contemplate my experience, I cannot help but compare it to everyone else’s.
I stand in the shower and let the hot water run over my back; I feel nothing.

There is a dead fly stuck to the side of the shower door.
Upon closer inspection, the fly is alive.
His wings are pressed against the glass, as if the massive drop of water (in comparison to his body) has transformed into glue.
His legs wiggle.
I contemplate killing the fly.
I don’t kill the fly.
Instead I rinse soap off of my arms and step out of the shower.
10 minutes have passed and I feel nothing.
It is 12:30.

When midnight strikes, there should be commotion.

In my mind there is always commotion.

I keep myself busy by telling myself that everyone else isn’t busy.
That while I waste 6 hours in my desk chair,
Everyone else I know is wasting 6 hours in a desk chair.
If only our lives weren’t so interesting.
If only.
Whatever it takes to get to sleep at night.

Lately I don’t fall asleep before 3 o’clock.
I always wake up feeling fuzzy; grainy like a photograph.
Low aperture.
High ISO.

At the end of the day, my existence feels like chalk;
like I could crumble it with my fingers, in a motion much like a fly’s feet would move if it were glued to a flat surface.

I contemplate starting over, but get a fluffy feeling in my stomach.

Starting everything over again.

I see a small red spider crawl across my computer screen and crush it with my thumb.
I half-expect to hear a sound.
Maybe a squish or a pop.

Instead, I grab a t-shirt and wipe the spider’s body off of my screen.

A streak of blood.

I feel nothing.

1 year ago  Notes (1)

canadian hospital

i understand you’re having a rough time.
no one ever asks if you’re day is going poorly.

if i could speak in run on sentences for the rest of my life, that would be spectacular.

i wouldn’t meet anyone new.
i would be the life of the party.

the little things tend to be more exciting than the big things.

1 year ago  Notes (1)